What Leading Conservatives Say About Perjury

Conservative Pundits are Caught With Foot in Mouth Disease
Elliot Rosewater Reporting

SHOW: THE O'REILLY FACTOR (21:00 ET)
January 1, 1999, Friday
Transcript # 010101cb.256S
O'REILLY: Right, and my -- my contention would be that a president of the United States using government officials paid for by you and me and everybody watching this program to protect a perjury is a high crime.

SHOW: RIVERA LIVE (9:00 PM ET)
December 3, 1998, Thursday 2:02 PM
Ms. COULTER: Perjury is 10 times worse than bribery.
Mr. LEFCOURT: To treason?
RIVERA: To treason?
Ms. COULTER: Oh, well, I mean, besides the fact that we know more about high crimes and misdemeanors, it's not like, you know, high crimes or, you know, bribery, treason and zebra. It's not like this mystical term.
Ms. COULTER: ...worse than--than--than perjury. There's nothing worse than perjury.

SHOW: THE O'REILLY FACTOR (21:00 ET)
January 1, 1999, Friday
Transcript # 010101cb.256
U.S. REPRESENTATIVE BILL MCCOLLUM (R-FL): Well in my judgment, and listening to all the witnesses today certainly didn't change that any, I think that high crime and misdemeanor is perjury -- particularly grand jury perjury -- certainly obstruction of justice. It all goes to the same cloth as bribing a witness. That's bribery; treason, bribery, other high crimes and misdemeanors...

The Wolfowitz War on Wealth

World Bank Leader Denies Global Plan
Elliot Rosewater Reporting
(Cayman Islands, NCJ News) Due to our commitment to comply with the Freedom of Information Act's restriction on gaining access to private document's we have been unable to obtain a copy of a document rumored to have been authored by Paul Wolfowitz, Neoconical Head of the World Bank. The paper titled "America's Pre-eminent Strategy to Dominate Global Economics", boldly lays out Wolfowitz's plan for global economic domination.
The Wolfowitz plan, dubbed "Operation Safe Crack", advocates gaining an economic advantage for America through manipulation of the policies at the World Bank. Strategies include pre-eminent economic sanctions against developing nations that are on the verge of prosperity. The plan aims to assure that underdeveloped countries remain in poverty and can continue to be used as "sweat shop nations". These slave nations would have their debt relieved by trading away their right to self determination and selling their future to the World Bank.
Contingency plans call for flooding money markets with counterfeit foreign currency and spreading propaganda about faulty foreign products. The paper defends first strike capability and Safe Crack outlines occupation of such global giants as Dutch Shell, BP Oil and Volvo. Safe Crack purports that only through economic force can America stay on top of the money pile and any country that threatens, or may in the future threaten to develop economically, is subject to a pre-emptive economic strike.
Rumors of "Scooter" Libby's prospect of employment at the World Bank are as yet unconfirmed, though a high White House official told NCJ News that it was a likely scenario.

The Presumption of Ignorance

Bush is Ignorant Until Proven Otherwise
Elliot Rosewater Reporting
(Washington, D.C., NCJ News) A source inside the White House reports that the tension inside the West Wing is mounting and will probably result in White House Official "A", (a.k.a. Karl Rove) resigning not later than Wednesday. George W. is furious that his trusted aide, Karl, has deep-throated Dick in an attempt to be spared prison time. G.W. was caught completely off guard by prosecutor Fitzgerald's recent accusations.
Bush really didn't know about the inner workings of the White House staff. He was never told about the smear campaign against Plame and the twisted tale of impending doom was just too much for George to absorb. It was just all a little too intricate. Better that he just be kept out of the loop on this one. Bush expects this of Cheney, but not from his lifelong companion and trusted confidante Rove.
Cheney works in the dark, hides in the shadows, and slips in and out of political jeopardy as easily as he does a Victoria's Secret Bra. George has come to accept and in fact appreciate Cheney's sly, cunning and elusive political agility. But Karl, " Say it ain't so."
With "Scooter" Libby out of the picture, Bush has directed his anger at Cheney. He blames the VP for turning Karl out and then walking out when the game became hard-core. The president feels Cheney encouraged his aide to turn the dime on "Scooter" to save his own career. Now, Cheney has left Karl Rove out to dry as an untrusted turncoat seasoned with a heavy dose of John Dean. Mr. Dean may be one of America's heroes, but he doesn't make Bush's dream team.
The president must be asking three questions at this time.
First; What did he know?
Second; Why didn't he know?
Third; When will he ever find out?
The answers are obvious; Nothing. Because. Never
Until Rove resigns later this week we can expect increased chaos in the White House while writers craft the departure speech. It will probably be something like; " I'm resigning to remove the distraction I've become and allow the important work blah blah blah blah blah blah."

Picking The White House Staff

Natural Design or Intelligent Selection
Elliot Rosewater Reporting
Based on the recent allegations of bad behavior and indiscretion with technicalities on the part of the White House staff, one has to ask; Is this natural selection or intelligent design. Since little intelligence seems to be involved, it must be natural selection. Survival of the fittest. In the world of cutthroat politics, he who cut's the most throats wins. Lying, backstabbing, smearing and mudslinging are also traits which aid in the advancement of the species known as the "Political Lizard". Slimy and scaly, it crawls out from under his rock before the crack of dawn. Another day, another fabricated story. Hiding in the shadows of deceit, the lizard stalks his prey. What truth can he devour and render harmless today? No sane elected official dares go near or challenge the political lizard. With a few well-placed phone calls, he'll have your alleged affair on the front page of the NY Times and your daughter will be posing nude for Rolling Stone. Oh, the tricks the lizard has learned on his way to the top. Let's have a moment of silence for the political lizard. He toils late into the night crafting yet another scheme to discredit his opponents. The disturbed, lonely lizard slithers through the late night alleys, searching the gutters for the only woman that will have him. The Ally Lizard. His ample tax based pay and kickback fund buys him much pleasure in her grip. His energies spent from his day of misdeeds, he crawls back to his rock leaving a trail of slime in his wake. Take the time to thank the lizard for his unfailing dedication to deceit and greed. After all, it's lonely at the top.

Has Rove Made A Deal?

What Does He Know? What Has He Shared?
Elliot Rosewater Repoting
(Washington D. C., NCJ News) White House officials are meeting today with the usual crowd of neocon policy gurus to discuss their strategy going forward in the face of I. Lewis "Scooter" Libby's indictment on five felony counts of perjury, obstructing justice, and making false statements. An inside source has told NCJ News that a senior administration official "A" (a.k.a. Karl Rove) has cut a deal with prosecutor Patrick Fitzgerald to assure his immunity and avoid future prosecution. This has put George Bush in the position of continuing to rely on a top aide that is less than loyal.
While "Scooter" has a law degree and will eventually learn to turn his devious aptitude for deceit into cash, Karl Rove is a college dropout with no chance of future employment outside of Taco Bell. If convicted, Rove, could seek employment only in the event that his neocon friends in the CIA could hack the ankle bracelet. Given the current rift between the White House and the agency, that seems unlikely.
Rove has escaped indictment for now, and appears to NCJ News that he will not be indicted. He's the deep throat. That was the reason for his multiple testimonies in front of Fitzgerald's grand jury. Rove has the real dirt and is not above spreading his weight around. He could implicate the entire elected as well as appointed staff in the crime of providing false statements to Congress and the American people would be left with a ship of state without a rudder or even a sail.

Santa's Butt Banned

State Outlaws Rude Santa
Kilgore Trout Reporting
(Hartford , Conn. NCJ News) Connecticut officials are pursuing a seldom used statute in a full court effort to stop the importation of British favorite "Seriously Bad Elf" beer. The state believes it would be really awful for kids to see the label on the British import.
It depicts a menacing elf with a weapon launching Christmas ornaments at Santa's sleigh as it flies in fear overhead.
State liquor laws ban any depiction of Santa on the label as well as anything that might appeal to children.
"There are certain symbols and images that appeal more strongly to children and this regulation includes the most obvious among them," Attorney General Richard Blumenthal said. "The state has wide discretion to regulate the sales of alcohol."
Also on the list of soon to be banned beer was "Naked Lady Ale" and "Creamy Head" lager, both which show scantily clad women in compromising positions.
Dan Shelton cried foul. After all, his company had no complaints when it sold Bad Elf and Very Bad Elf in previous years. It sells the beer in 30 other states and none have reported any cases of children being in possession of the evil brew.
We even had a beer called Santa's Butt last year," Shelton said. "They didn't notice Santa's Butt, but they notice this one. How can you miss that big red thing? Minors are not going to be looking to buy beer because Santa Claus is on the label." However, he added, "That might be true for "Naked Lady."

FOX News Shocked by Indictments

Fair and Balanced Memory at FOX News

(Chevy Chase, MD. NCJ News) FOX news, still reeling from the recent indictment of "Scooter" Libby, issued a brief statement today alleging the American public has unfairly produced an atmosphere of bias against lying to a grand jury. A Fox executive was quoted off the record; " Hell, at Fox we lie all the time. It's no big deal. How can you expect an intelligent man, with a law degree, working at the highest levels of national security to remember whether it was Tim Russert or Dick Cheney? In this business you just can't remember all the facts so you just have to make them up. Fox has been doing it for years. Hell, I can't even remember the lies I told last week ."
Brett Hume, speaking on condition of anonymity, reiterated Cheney's feelings, "Scooter was a talented and capable source. If you needed some dirt, "Scooter" could ad lib a smear campaign that would make Richard Nixon blush. He was a talented trickster and a capable liar. I think the justice system will prove that his lies were the work of a talented man who sacrificed so much for this country. He sacrificed the truth, his integrity and the credibility of the administration. That's more than any one man should be expected to do."
Neither Libby or his lawyer, Joseph A. Tate, could be reached for comment. They were believed to have gone deep sea fishing for the weekend in the hopes of coming up with another whopper.

Libby Sounds Off

Scooter Proclaims "I Will Be Exonerated"

(Washington D.C. NCJN) "Scooter" Libby announced today that he intends to be fully exonerated of the recent felony counts of lying, perjury and obstruction of justice. When asked if he knew what "exonerated" meant, he explained he thought it meant he could never go back into the Catholic church again. Libby went on to say that he was firing his lawyer, Joseph A. Tate, for malpractice in regards to the case. Libby contends that he paid good money for legal advice and all he got was "Some lame story about Tim Russert." Libby insisted the American people deserve better than that and so does he.
When asked how he intends to defend himself against these serious charges, Libby stated, "We're going to stay the course. We lied our way into this and we will lie our way out of it. The grand jury misunderstood what I said and Tim Russert has amnesia." An unidentified source was quoted as saying Libby had hired G. Gordon Liddy as his public relations guru to guide him through the difficult waters of a trial. If the PR thing fails, Liddy can at least teach "Scooter" the ins and outs of life in a federal prison. The boys in prison are going to love that pet name, "Scooter". Roll over Scooter. Now play dead.
As the headline said, "Libby Sounds Off", and I have to agreee. Libby sound's a little off.

Return Engagement

Neo-Con Job News Returns for Encore Appearance

(Chevy Chase, MD., N.J.N.) Welcome to the return of the Neo Con-Job News. We've been out of the public eye for quite some time due to some litigation problems with Washington, but it's time to crank up the amp, tune the six string and start making a little noise. Stay tuned as we bring you the latest news, advice and commentary on the coming revolution. Stay tuned - soon to be in a city near you.